You can't enjoy what you don't like

Is there anyone that doesn't struggle with this, at least at first? You're with your lover, things are getting hot and heavy but... they start touching you in this way that just.... doesn't do it for you. Maybe it's not the right spot, maybe it's too rough or gentle, or even painful. But you might start thinking to yourself; "I can't tell them how I actually want to be touched because then they'll feel bad that they weren't doing it right. Maybe they'll get mad. Maybe they won't want to have sex with me anymore. Maybe they'll think I'm stupid for wanting to be touched a different way.".

Wow, that's a lot of maybes.

Sometimes we don't even think any of these things consciously, but we have this subconscious idea that we just shouldn't tell our partner how we really want to be touched. We may feel guilty that we just don't like the way they're touching us... As if its our job, or even possible, to just LIKE whatever they're doing.

The reality is that we don't get to choose what feels good for us. There was never a day or time when we thought to ourselves "yes, THIS is the kind of stimulation I PICK for my body to react positively to.". Our bodies decide what feels good for us. Some of us like more rough stimulation. Some like gentler. Some like fast, or slow, or rhythmic. And WHEN we like these kinds of stimulation all differ, and WHERE we like them do as well! So maybe as things are heating up with your partner and you are becoming aroused you don't like your vulva touched at all. But once you feel really aroused you love some gentle petting, and for your clitoris to be rubbed ever so gently. As you get closer and closer to orgasm you like firmer and firmer touch. Great! You know the things your body loves (or maybe you don't yet and that's okay too!). So, if your partner starts touching your vulva quite aggressively BEFORE you even feel truly aroused, it may be too intense, or you just don't like it. But you're afraid to tell your partner because you love when they touch you like that... Just, later, when you are feeling really turned on. You're afraid that if you tell them otherwise that they won't ever touch you like that again, or they'll argue with you because you DO like that touch in the right context, or...

So, you just try to force yourself to like it... If you just could MAKE your body cooperate and listen to your brain then this whole problem would just disappear, right? But... This is not how bodies work. You CAN'T just force your body to like something it doesn't. Trust me, I've tried!

What in the hell do you do then?

I know you are going to hate this at least a little but... You have to tell them. You have to talk to them. We must communicate! And this is really important to remember; I highly doubt they are going to be upset with you or think you are silly. There's a really great chance that they just want to make you feel good and be confident in their ability to do that.

And it IS a touchy subject, I get that. Because some people feel pretty self-conscious about their 'abilities' in the bedroom. Unfortunately, basically none of us received the sex education we deserved, so very few of us understand that we can learn all of the techniques and tricks and sexy time tips... But it doesn't mean our real-life partner will like them. Or that we'll just innately know the timing that works for our partner's body. Or the intensity that they prefer. These are things we often need to talk about.

I also want to be very clear that this isn't a gendered issue. Women, men and all of the genders experience this exact issue. As a woman, and as an educator surrounded by other educators, feminists, and the general population wanting to learn more, I've heard it plenty of times; women tend to believe that a lot of these people-pleasing type issues affects us alone. We tend to believe that men, especially more stereotypically masculine men, don't have any problem asking for what they want or telling us what they'd like us to do. I've had partners, friends, and strangers admit to me they really struggle on this front. Yes, some men have NO problem asking for exactly what they want, and some women have no problem with it either. But most of us have a hard time with us.

It is the ultimate vulnerability to be our authentic self and ask for our true desire. Sometimes our true desires are as simple as wanting to feel WANTED in the bedroom and wanting to be touched gently. Sometimes those deep desires are quite fantastical and extra kinky! Either way though it can feel really scary to ask for these things. The fear of rejection can be paralyzing...

Are you a woman, AFAB, or vulva-having person that wants to learn HOW to ask for what you truly want and have more, and better, orgasms? Check out my Classes & Events page because coming up in April 2024 I have created a class called Orgasmic that is going to help you do just that!

Are you a man, AMAB, or penis-having person in need of all the same things? Stay tuned, a class is coming just for you! Sign up for my emailing list so you receive a notification when it's released!