The Sex Menu

Before we get into it; what does your sex life look like? Do you have a routine? Do you have a rotation? How many different ways do you have sex? And are you feeling satisfied with your current routine?

Most of us have a sex routine and it looks basically like this (if we're heterosexual or in a heterosexual relationship): you start kissing, then rubbing your hands over each other's bodies, clothes start coming off, there might be a little hand action, mayyyybe some oral sex, and then penetration and orgasm. Sound about right?

If this is working for you and you feel completely satisfied then there's no reason to change anything, but if you are craving something new and a little adventure that is completely understandable and I promise there's a way to get that! I call this 'falling into a sex rut'. You are doing the same things, following the same script, and it might have worked and been wonderful for a while but now you are feeling a little bored, maybe it's a year, or 20, into a relationship and you don't know how to get out of it!

I want you to broaden your Sex Menu!

First, you probably need to broaden your idea of what sex even is. A lot of us were taught what intercourse is and were led to believe this is the only true way to have sex, therefor if someone asked us if we wanted to have sex, we knew exactly what they meant and that was XYZ. But the reality is, out in the world, sex looks SO many different ways.

Think about it; what does sex look like for a lesbian couple? What does sex look like for an elderly couple? What does sex look like for someone who is menstruating and doesn't want penetration right now? What does sex look like for a couple where one person is paraplegic? What does sex look like between three people? What does sex look like for someone who is intersex and has genitals that don't look like a stereotypical penis or vulva?

Did I just blow your mind a little bit? It's okay to have not thought of these ideas before, the important thing is that you are opening your eyes now to the big, beautiful world of sex diversity!

So fingering is sex, stimulation via a hand is sex, oral sex is sex, penetration with toys or other objects is sex, phone sex is sex, erotic massage is sex, watching porn together is sex, masturbating side by side is sex... sex is not a 'one size fits all' and thank goodness for that!

Now that we've broadened our idea of what sex even is, let's look at two starting off points for diversifying OUR sex life!

1.) If you already have a fantasy or idea of something else you would like to try

2.) We can choose something to start exploring with- sex toys, lingerie, role play, massage, porn, etc

Let's talk about #1 first! This option is for you if you've been fantasizing about something other than the way you already have sex or would like to take the time to find a fantasy! Some people get really great ideas of things they might like to try from erotic books or porn! Some of us are thinking about other fantasies while we have sex with our partners, or randomly throughout the day or while we masturbate alone. Once you have a fantasy in mind that you would like to turn into reality, or even just an aspect of a fantasy, we can brainstorm some ways to bring this up with our partner. What do I mean by just an aspect of a fantasy? Well, some of us have a little fantasy in our head that kind of revolves around a specific thing. Maybe that's eye contact, or dressing in something sexy, or being outside. Just adding in something 'small' can really turn up the passion and add some novelty! But maybe you've had this whole fantasy of your partner dressing up as a nurse and roleplaying a nurse-patient scene and that whole fantasy is something you'd like to bring to life! There's a lot of different ways to bring these desires up. Sometimes it's best to start the conversation outside of the bedroom, or at least not while you're having sex, because in the event your partner says 'no thank you' it can be a real mood killer WHILE you're having sex. So instead, try while you are cuddling on the couch watching a movie! Or sharing a dessert together! Or flirting in the kitchen at the end of the night. You could also ask your partner if there's anything they've really wanted to try in the bedroom!

#2 is pretty simple and it's for people who are struggling a little more to find something to do or try, maybe because you don't have any actual fantasies or ideas all on your own. Some people just don't really fantasize, or don't realize they are! So do some reading, or watch some porn, or check out an adult store (online or in person) and see if you can find any ideas that interest you! There are also Yes No Maybe lists online that single people or couples might go through together to see if they have any overlapping interests! Some can be quite intense and kinky, while others are a little more tame so do some looking around! Down below you'll find a link to one that I think is a good mix! Then from there you can bring the idea to your partner, or do a list together! I recommend bringing up new ideas for the bedroom OUTSIDE of the bedroom because it can ruin the mood if we ask our partner if they would like to try something new and they say 'no thank you'.

https://www.modernintimacy.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Yes-No-Maybe_-Modern-Intimacy-min_compressed_compressed.pdf

On top of this, let's address shame and rejection for a moment. Sometimes it takes us 20 years to talk about an interest, kink or fetish because we're holding a lot of shame and sometimes self judgement. That can be so hard to overcome, and feeling rejected by our partner can further instill those thoughts if it isn't handled with care. If this sounds like you, you can tell your partner initially that you are feeling pretty ashamed, or are worried that they might judge you and ASK them to please be honest but also extra gentle with you. There are apps where partners can sync up but do Yes No Maybe lists separately and the app will only reveal yeses and maybes if your partner also selected them! This way you don't run any risk of being rejected... But... there is a lot of intimacy in the vulnerability it takes to share a deep desire with a partner. So while I think apps like that are really wonderful, I also want to press you just a little bit to take a leap and put that trust in your partner to be gentle and loving with you. You might find that they really love your ideas!

Have you ever tried a Yes No Maybe list? What did you think of it?

Did this inspire you to try something new?

Leave a comment down below!