Is it low libido or bad sex?

I hear from so many women who are experiencing low libido, or so they think, but the sex that's being offered is...less than enticing.

So, let's break that down a little further because on the surface it seems kind of straight forward, right? Why wouldn't they make this connection for themselves? Social conditioning and a lack of good sex education are the root problems here so I really, really don't want you to blame yourself or your partner if this is what's happening for you.

Problem #1

No one told women that sex is supposed to feel good for us and work for our likes and dislikes. In fact, a lot of women from either religious or conservative upbringings learned that sex is "for" the man (assuming heterosexuality here) and procreation. Women haven't ever really heard that sex should also include their pleasure, that most people have sex for the purpose of pleasure, and the female orgasm and foreplay have been left out of the conversations entirely. Not to mention.... a lot of what's socially considered 'foreplay' is actually sex, and particularly the kind of sex that "works" for a lot of women.

Problem #2

Media like movies and shows almost always showcase sex the same two ways. Penetration and the woman looks like she's in pure bliss, or oral sex performed on the man. (Again, almost always heterosexual.) We all know the scene: man kisses woman passionately and roughly, kisses her neck, picks her up and brings her to the bedroom where he strips her down and thrusts into her. No oral for her, no fingering, no clitoral stimulation, no sexy massages or extensive body caresses, no intimate conversations to really turn her on. I don't want you to misread this as there's only one way that women want to have sex, I just want to point out that media has made sex seem very simple, straight forward and penetration centered. Then there's porn... Which can be full of SO many options and ways of having sex but a lot of it is basically the same- after a few kisses the woman is ready for sex and it is penetration centered, unless she is performing oral sex on him. This all leads us to conclude, without good education of course, that women must derive all of their pleasure from penetration and must be turned on and ready for sex as quickly as the man is. Or, women just have sex with men for their benefit.

Problem #3

Women are socialized to be more agreeable and less assertive than men. An assertive woman is often referred to as a bitch, uptight, high maintenance, etc. Assertive men are seen as leaders, go-getters, bosses.

Problem #4

Because of the last three problems, women aren't speaking up about their wants or needs in the bedroom. Sometimes women haven't even thought about what they actually want sexually and assume that they just don't really like sex because the sex they've had hasn't really been that enjoyable and fun. Some women haven't explored their own bodies or know how or what makes them orgasm. If you don't know what you like, how can you tell a partner what to do to pleasure you? You can't!

Maybe after reading all of this some of it feels like it's hitting home, but you still aren't convinced that the sex you've been having is the issue. Shouldn't you just like it? The answer is no... But here are 3 signs that the sex you're having just isn't that great.

1.) You try to avoid sex

2.) After starting sex you start to get into it a little

3.) If your partner would just do XYZ, or a little more QRS, or not do ABC... you might enjoy sex more

Okay, so maybe the sex isn't that great? Here's something huge I want you to remember- this isn't your fault, and it isn't your partner's fault. Chances are, he isn't selfish or dumb or ignorant, he just doesn't know. No one told him either that penetration doesn't need to be the main event. No one told him where the clitoris is, what it is, and how to touch it. I doubt anyone told him that women usually take longer than men to become fully aroused. So, what can you do about this, because you WANT to enjoy sex? You need to create the sex you enjoy. You need to explore your body and your creative mind. What turns you on, what feels good, what makes you orgasm, what is your goal during sex? Maybe it's to connect, maybe its pleasure, maybe it's to feel vulnerable and seen. And follow the pleasure! Was there one time on vacation that your lover kissed your entire body, complimented you, rubbed your feet, kissed your neck, ran his fingers through your hair and you were so turned on you felt like you NEEDED him RIGHT NOW? That felt good right?! What if that's how sex started more often, or all of the time? What if there were times when sex could start with an hour-long intimate conversation with flirting and laughing and reminiscing? Would that feel good?

Take your time and think about this, fantasize, and then lean into it. Share it with your partner, maybe have a vulnerable conversation with them about how you've been feeling and what you've discovered. Remind him that this isn't his fault, that you love him and want to enjoy sex more and you think you know how you can do that! Let yourself speak up. Trust that your desires are legitimate and that you deserve to feel good too.

Feeling confused and a little lost? Or really lost! Reach out to a sex therapist, this is what they do! They help people or couples repair their sex lives and relationship with their sexual selves because you deserve to have great sex! Also keep an eye out for my classes and workshops! Pleasure and communication are some of my favorite topics and I want you to love your sex life too!!

You weren't designed to desire sex that sucks