How can we be a 'hell yes' if there's no room for 'no'?

This idea comes up for me a lot when I think about my own relationships... How can someone else trust my 'yes' if I'm too busy people-pleasing and I'm clouded by my fear of letting them down or disappointing them? And how can I trust someone else's 'yes' if they're too afraid to tell me 'no'? The short answer is that there really isn't room for that trust when we can't, or won't, give an honest and genuine no.

And nope, it's not as easy as telling people to just stop people pleasing, or just tell the truth. Because the truth is that we've been conditioned in this society to tell people yes when we really mean no. It starts young and early too. From expecting that little kids give hugs when they feel uncomfortable, to making kids apologize when they aren't even sorry... Or too sorry, and feeling too guilty, to talk right now.

But how does this move into our sex lives? Ugh, in so many ways... I think about teens and adults alike 'agreeing' to not use condoms because their partner doesn't like the way they feel, and they want their partner to feel good of course even though they would rather use condoms. I think of folks verbally consenting to sexual acts they would rather not do but want to please their partner or feel like their partner will not stay with them if they won't perform XYZ. I think of women and AFAB people taking hormonal birth control because they think it's their only option despite the sometimes-terrible side effects.

And... the healing of this greater issue takes so much time and patience and a world or partner that is willing to hear the 'no's'. So, we can work towards being easy people to say no to, but even that takes time to learn and navigate with different people. Again, our culture has in many ways taught us that we should keep fighting for the things we want, never take no for an answer, try and try again. Many of us don't realize that those things can apply well to career goals... but they are awful advice for our intimate lives.

Even more of us don't realize that a no is a yes to something else. If I say no to oral sex, I might be saying yes to another kind of sex. If I say 'no, we need to wear a condom.' I'm saying yes to my sexual health and reproductive choice. If I say no to going out on Friday night, I'm saying yes to more rest, or maybe reading my favorite book! If I say no to sex tonight (which would have been passionate-less and kind of boring because I wasn't really in the mood tonight), then I might be saying HELL FUCKING YES to sex two nights from now that will literally leave a smile on your face for the rest of the week.

Did you realize that? That a No is actually a Yes in disguise?

I want you to think about two things: How can I be an easier person to say no to? And, how can I make it easier on myself to say no to others?

Take your time but when you have some ideas, come back here and let me know what you thought of!