A few things to tell kids about porn

I know you might be thinking "oh god, I don't ever want to have to talk to my kid about this." but I really hope you do. And I mean that with love! But really, you don't have to do anything. A lot of parents choose not to talk to their kids about porn, or don't even realize it's something you can/should actually do! Parents and caregivers don't always realize how young kids may be exposed to it, or where it might happen. You may believe that so long as you supervise your child's internet use that they'll never stumble upon it when they might actually discover it at school when another child shows them it on their cell phone, accidently on YouTube or in videogame chat room.

There's a lot of ideas that kids and adults alike can gather from watching porn without some context and education. The reason for that is because its often a child's first introduction to what sex is or can be. I don't want you to misread this; I don't believe that porn is bad, wrong, or shouldn't exist. I strongly believe, as a sex educator, that it can be a positive thing for a lot of people when consent, context and education are involved. But we still aren't in a place where many people are getting sex education at all, never mind GOOD sex ed. So when they stumble upon porn, especially before they've had sex themselves, kids and young adults tend to use what they've seen in porn as a guide for what they should do in real life.

This can be perfectly fine, but not always. For example, if you are a teen questioning your sexuality and think you may be gay and you find gay porn and through that become more comfortable with your own attractions and desires, I think that's a really cool thing! But let's say you are a teen who hasn't received sex ed from school or at home, and you don't really know much about STD's and how to prevent them. You happen upon mainstream porn and see that basically no one is wearing condoms... You extrapolate from that that you don't need to wear a condom either and STD's only happen to some people, not you. This is a great instance where education could have gone a LONG way! If someone had told you that the actors and actresses in porn are getting STD testing very, very often and use other forms of birth control like the pill or an IUD, and that's how they are able to have so much sex and not get pregnant or get an STD then you would have the necessary context to understand the risks that are involved when you don't wear condoms, use another form of birth control or get tested.

So here are just a few things that I think are IMPERATIVE to teach kids about porn, from a porn positive lens:

1.) The people in the videos are actors and actresses

Usually, educators and parents convey this by saying "porn isn't realistic" but I find that to be too short and too vague of an explanation. I heard that as a teenager and I didn't have any idea what they really meant by the statement but what I chose to believe was that the adults who told me that were vanilla... I believed they didn't think kink was real or that anyone actually did kink. I don't think any of the adults in my life expected me to be watching kinky porn either!! Anyways! When we explain to kids that the people seen are acting, we can go even further- what exactly are they acting out? A polished version of sex. Just like how in a movie you don't see people go to the bathroom, get their hair and makeup done, fart, blow their nose, clean their floors, and on and on and on, porn is similar. We don't see people head to the clinic beforehand and get tested, or talk about consent before they shoot a scene, they cut out any parts where a man looses his erection or when they need to apply lubrication. All awkward changing positions and accidental funny sounds get removed too. From a lot of videos at least. AND because these people are actors and have been practicing and acting for years they are great at faking pleasure, getting into complicated positions, looking sexy, staying hard, lasting a long time AND they are specifically picked for their bodies. Whether its the shape of their vulva or breasts, their physique, ability to last an hour or have a penis that is 8 inches. We need to tell kids this.

2.) Consent is very important

Consent is really complicated. I might write a book about it some day! But we get a lot of mixed messages about what consent is and how to "do it". Modern sex ed often teaches that all consent needs to be verbal because that is the legal standard for consent, and verbal consent is really, really valid and important. But a lot of our consent practices throughout life lack a verbal aspect, and that can be okay. Sometimes we go in to hug someone without asking first because their body language cued to us that they might want, or be open to, a hug. We usually kiss our partners, or our kids, without asking verbally first. Sometimes the pursed lips from afar is our way of "asking" for one. And its valid! Issues arise from a lot of different places including reading body cues incorrectly, not making the space to be given or read body cues, someone not advocating for themselves and maybe even saying yes when they mean no (and this is a very complex topic). If we haven't talked about consent from an early age, which I recommend if possible, then we can start this conversation in regard to porn by simply explaining that actors negotiate their wants, desires and boundaries off screen. The reason why they do that is because a fantasy they are playing to is this idea that someone can be 'so good at' sex that they don't ever have to ask or check in, because their partner just loves everything they do. But that is just a fantasy, and it only works because they already talked about what they were going to do beforehand, and they cut out any parts where they may have needed to stop or pause and renegotiate. Consent can be both verbal and non-verbal, it's extremely important either way, and if someone is ever unsure they should use verbal communication to check in. We should be seeking to ensure that someone enjoys what we are doing.

3.) Pleasure comes in many forms and is integral to sex

A lot of mainstream porn focuses on vaginal penetration which, in a heterosexual relationship, isn't usually the pinnacle of female pleasure. Women often need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Partners in general should also be advocating for themselves and asking for what they want or need to feel good! Not all men want or need penetration, most women don't orgasm from penetration alone, and gay, lesbian, trans, etc people derive pleasure in ALL sorts of way. Just because we don't see it in porn, or in most videos, doesn't mean it isn't okay to ask for, want, or need. Why is this so important to tell our kids? I can't remember who said this quote but it's something like "If we never tell our kids that sex is supposed to feel good, how will they know to stop when it doesn't?". This can protect our kids from injury, or enduring sex that just isn't right for them. We all deserve pleasure.

4.) All bodies are good bodies

Fat bodies, thin bodies, scarred bodies, freckled bodies, sick bodies, disabled bodies, big or small penises, big or small vulvas, they're all perfectly normal and beautiful. Porn can be very diverse, but it isn't always, and it depends on what site or what categories you are searching in. Our kids deserve to know that most male actors are picked for the large size of their penis, and that a lot of female actresses are picked for their small labia and many even get surgery to alter their labia because some believe that small labia are "better". A lot of actresses are also stereotypically beautiful, often through a Western lens of what "beautiful" means. But our kids should hear that there is no expectation for what they should look like or how their body should perform sexually. Did you know that the average penis is 5-5.5 inches long? Does your child know that? Do you know what arousal non-concordance is? Does your child?

There are so many things that we can discuss with our kids when it comes to porn, and every other topic, but these are 4 places you can start to give them a good foundation of understanding. This doesn't mean that you are telling your child they should watch porn or are 'allowed' to. But just like we talk to our kids about drugs, what they are, what they look like, what they do to us, so that we can prepare them when they inevitably run into them, we have to do the same with porn. Eventually they're going to see it. Let's prepare them so that they don't have to go on an entire journey of unlearning what sex CAN be!